This was it, 2005

This was it, 2005

it's funny because I’m looking at you at 8, probably

you just happen to be there on my desktop, this hour, when I finish math MATH at midnight on a Saturday.

I’m thinking of you more this fall.

I guess it's because I’m living more like you. in my big farm house. working. always doing something.

I think finally I have the correct meds. I’m still a bit nervous but I think I just have to go to 1 coffee and then tea or water.

my man was/is sad on Saturdays. because he has a best friend who was cute & a good woman & they talk music, wine, food.

then he met the motto guys & there's one that is nice & they work together & he has a pit bull rescue.

I would tease him like I tease Simon.

anyway, they kiss now & then his house dog (he raised since a pup) went for lance's jugular & luckily my man is quick on his feet(or butt) & jerked back. so, it was just a hard punch with teeth in the neck instead of 6-minute bleed out.

the nice guy didn't put the dog down, so, now we are less one nice motorcycle guy. & Lance misses Kim.

Saturdays we would get together, us 4, & cook dinner. or go see a show.

now they are empty.

the water is evening out with older friends who are boring but we love the east German. we make up dictatorial states in our minds, where I am the official state artist & lance the musician & Kai the king & Detroit is martial law & there are no cars, just tractors & I made Kai‘s have motorcycles too.

and then there's bob's friends, who are EXCELLENT.

and there's Vika who's a SUPER strong Islamic scholar but is not that nice to people other than me. I don't care, I like her.

we are handing out candy in the $$ neighborhood tomorrow, where she house-sits for the guy who she wishes were on her committee but he isn't & he just finally got his revisions into my UM Press after 5 years.

this would be a good place for your PhD. you could hang out with bob's friends & smoke pot. they would REALLY like you.

I’m too square & jumpy for those women.

Friday is a dance party at bob's. Sunday is candy. Tuesday is no more bushes. & bob's court date. & Thursday is a friend who disappeared 2 years ago after the wedding.

& the gym.

& books.

tomorrow morning is a Detroit suburb with the middle-aged touring club. I love them. I’ll suit up & go at 8.

to bed now. next to the warm snoring man who is cute but you can't look at him too much because then he's wake up with his eyes & say "hey babe." or "I’m sleeping" or pinch my butt.

I think I’m happy this fall.

I don't really know what that feels like. there were a few months of that in 2001 when we fell in love. But, honestly, when did I last have a magic fall. (it's my nature to be magic in fall)

my last magic fall was in 97 but maybe that doesn't count because I couldn't walk, but, I remember I was in love with Christopher & he held my hand on the road next to the river near my house & said, "look" & a great crain moved through the air & I left without ever kissing him & went to 5 weddings in a row & a pacifist monk walked by me & a wave went over me & I saw my mom & my aunt after 5 years, and my brother sang, & I met ole. & I met ole. & I met ole. & I met ole. & I met ole. and Erin & Kurt & Christopher & Lisa & Horst helped me place my mind back in my head after a lady had hijacked it.

I was so wobbly then. I couldn't walk, a virus clogged up my joints. But then I ate macrobiotic & I could move again.
the leaves were sharp colors that fall. Chris who grew up with us, & liked to fly through the air, fell out of it in Bali & died.

we still miss him. where did he go. he shouldn't have gone to a Muslim country—the space is all warped there & planes can soar out of the sky.

I started my book a few weeks ago & I closed it & lost it. Maybe I’ll start it with this or maybe it's just never going to be written.

But Aaron, who now has an lazy of his own, said I don't have a choice to write it—I have to.

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